7 March 2010
My Life. I Guess.
I am really in a strange situation right now. Down the rabbit hole, if you will. I feel like I am living in an existence that is parallel to every other person’s perceived reality but not touching it. Not anywhere close. I feel behind and incapable. I feel like I am not doing enough of what I should be doing compared to everyone else. I feel alone, and I feel overwhelmed. I feel too old for some of the things I am doing but too young for other things. I feel like I am a train on a track with one side too far ahead and one side too far back. I feel like I am running out of time to do things but at the same time want things to move faster. I am afraid sometimes, but other times I just don’t care. I suppose that most adults would consider my feelings normal for an adolescent teenager with raging hormones. But I don’t trust those adults; they’ve definitely been wrong before.
Whether they are wrong or right doesn’t really help me out all that much though. Telling me something is normal doesn’t help me cope with it. Also, if it is so normal, why doesn’t anyone come up with some sort of happiness program? The answer is that what I am feeling is not really normal. Most teenagers fluctuate between moods of anger and moods of elation. While there are some moments I can say I am happy, there is always something unhappy looming over my brain. My dad calls it a “little gray cloud” and has decided that I tug the little gray cloud along with me everywhere I go. I don’t remember doing that, so I have decided that, at some point, the little gray cloud tied itself to me. I am not quite sure how to undo that knot though. The little gray cloud proves to be quite the connoisseur of the art of knot tying.
I am especially afraid of this week, and, if I could somehow manage to do this, would just fast forward through it. Once again the weekend has come and gone faster than it should have, and I really am not sure where it went. The week days go by like molasses though, and I am already mentally preparing myself for another week that is too slow but doesn’t allow enough time for the things I desperately need to get done.
While people usually have something that just alleviates their stresses and lets them relax, I am not the proud owner of one of those things. While I do love fencing, it seems to be more of a stressor than something that helps me cope this year. Another interesting thought to throw into this thought melting pot is that sometimes, even when I have all the time in the world, I just really do not want to do anything. And I mean anything. I find myself wanting to just sit on the computer eating some fattening snack and surfing the web.