Panic is one of the first words to describe my junior year so far. This panic stems from the deep rooted pressure to achieve at least something. I have no idea about what I want to do with my life. I used to think this was ok but now, as I talk to more adults, I find myself freaking out about life, futures, and colleges.
The need to get all A’s and have a substantial list of extra-curricular activities, to have leadership positions; to succeed in everything is surrounding and overwhelming! After having a meeting with a councilor, which I always thought would be a reassuring experience, I found myself in a deeper sense of anxiety. How could I even hope to get into a good name school when the councilor was questioning everything I did? Before going into the meeting, I thought I was a decent student and was slightly smart, but he had other ideas. After proposing my ideas for schools, councilor man gave me sad and hopeless looks and gave me other ideas for schools. This was very upsetting to hear what he thought I should look into. I mean, colleges I want to go to are very good and hard to get in, but I thought I was ok to get there. The suggestions he gave were for extremely easy schools. After talking to him, I was completely convinced I’d had a very skewed view of how I was doing in my classes.
Now, grades within school can be very important, but I was faced with another aspect of junior year, the dreaded SAT test. Having already taken it once before, I thought I was safe. However another look at my scores revealed the need for some major improvement. This instilled a deep sense of nervousness I hadn’t had before. This time going into my SAT test on Saturday, I was extremely worried and focused on getting the elusive score I had attempted for earlier. After the first section of the test, I really began to focus on the problems and skipping the ones I didn’t know. I tried my best to follow “the Kaplan Plan” to gain points and build my scores. This plan was seemingly mindless and a waste of time, but hopefully they actually knew what they were doing and gave good advice. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens with that one though.
Why is it that all of the adults that are supposed to help you and calm you down only make things worse? I just do not understand anything anymore it seems. But having talked to actual college students, I have seen that nothing in high school really matters once you’ve gotten into college. This is a slightly upsetting concept but also somewhat reassuring. I think this because it means that although I can do semi-well in school it won’t deeply affect the outcome of my future. Now, with the little reassurance from friends and the ability to block everything out, I’m hoping I can make it through the rest of the year with out a nervous breakdown. But we’ll just have to see how that one goes.